Two years ago I wrote this post and being pregnant again, I started worrying about the fact that I actually suffered (suffer? Hm) from Postpartum Depression. Will it return? How the hell am I going to do this?
I read an article from 2011 stating that if you’ve had PPD before, you have 30% chance of having it again with your second child. That means 70% chance that I might actually experience that magical blissful maternity a lot of women I know, have been so lucky to experience. So should I be freaking out about the fact that I might be unlucky to get it again? Well, maybe not freak out, but being well aware of the fact that it could return and remembering that I do have the tools to prevent it this time around. That makes a huge difference for me.
But hasn’t PPD made its mark on me during my pregnancy? That it has. While I might have the tools to fight it and work through it, it hasn’t stopped my anxiety from peaking and that darkness came crawling back, I started isolating myself. Remember what it did to me, my marriage and how that bond I was so excited for with Cas, didn’t turn out as it should’ve, and the fact that this pregnancy has not been easy. You can’t help but wonder if you’re being tested by the universe to see how far my maternal instinct has come.
So this time around I’m making a postpartum-plan, with the things we need as a family to prevent this and how to adjust. I’m going to out the tools I learned the first time in action, making sure that we have no visitors the first two weeks, I did not enjoy visitors the first time. While I get wanting to visit and coo at a new born, it was emotionally hard, with no sleep, no time for one self, I don’t want company. I just want my son and my husband. I decided to put myself and my family first and enjoy our first time as a family of four, together and alone.
As much as I need to adjust, so does Cas. I also decided to put boundaries in place and many other things. I just decided to do shit my way. That’s one way handle this. I think often the thing about PPD is that there isn’t enough talk about it, inside the family. Honestly, I generally think that about feelings. How can you really know someone when you don’t have a open dialogue about feelings and generally healthy communication? Not a lot. So if you feel like someone who know is showing signs of PPD, because they are easy to spot unless you are a fucking idiot and up your own ass. Reach out and ask them if they want to go for a walk or a cup of coffee. Outside of their home. They need to know that they still have people there for them, because frankly being a new mum makes you feel isolated and having those feelings makes them feel even more ashamed of it.