One would have thought that after nearly 14 months of maternity leave, you would be filled with creative juices. That you would have somehow managed to be better at balancing yourself, family and your passion. But for me, the complete opposite.
I did a vision board January 2020 and here I sit with a feeling that everything on that board became some kind of shadow, following me. And not in a pleasant way, where I look back and smile saying “hey I did this!” but more in a dreadful way, “oh, did I let myself down?” You know, the feeling of disappointment you suddenly get when you look at your calendar and it’s August, and you’ve managed to do nothing on the vision board. I acknowledge I should have taken the leap and gotten loud about wanting to do certain things, but I do have a fear of failure, which tends to stop me from doing pretty much anything.
I started up school again and I’ve been feeling like my creative juices and good ideas have become some kind of ghost from the past haunting me, right here, right now. So I try to ignore the ideas on my vision board and the notes on my phone. But I think that is part of a transition, because I’m still getting used to everything, you know, from having time at night to now where I spend more time on Zoom with my class, than with my husband, it’s all crazy and overwhelming.
Let’s get out of the way what didn’t happen:
- A bit of traveling
- Time to build up my blog, recipes and other subjects
- Birthdays, housewarmings and seeing the people I miss
- Doing a bit more stuff alone
Things that did happen:
- Saying goodbye to that self destructive behaviour. Good riddance!
- Letting you know that I have a vision board, which may not sound like a big deal but it was big for me to let others in on that. And did I mention it goes nicely with my Blink-182 music?
- Buying a house and laying a new foundation for our family
- Actually started writing again, how I’ve missed you sweet expressions
- Taking the time to actually see the films on my Netflix list
- The thing I’m really grateful for that happened during this year, is really getting to know myself and my boundaries. I honestly thought I knew them but it wasn’t until this year that I truly felt and heard them.
So the take away from this year, my vision for traveling, alone time, people in my life and expanding my blog can come true in 2021. And that giving myself goals is a challenge but a lesson in knowing that, while I don’t have control of everything around me, I still have control of my actions and only I can make things happen and bring my ideas to life.