“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
– Lucille Ball
Wow what a title! Amiright?! Anyways, lets move on to the matter in hand.
After a period of self-growth and finding the person I am, or the person I was destined to become. I see how growing up I had my self-esteem shredded and how I became a sad sack of shit. So, when people ask me why and how come I don’t speak to certain family members, I remember the comments about my weight, about my skin, about my looks. I remember how I was told that if I was fat, I would end up alone. I believed it so much I starved myself, how I threw up my food. How there was always a blind eye to it, reading this will be hard. But that’s life, so suck it up.
I will continue my whole life with a weird relationship with food, how I was told that food was the enemy and how staying away from it made me, attractive. I wish this was the worst thing I was told growing up. But thinking about how Cas and I will NEVER be able to have ice cream together or a piece of cake, because that alone triggers me to do some horrible stuff to myself… That upsets me. How I have to had to grow up with comments that I’m ugly and unlovable has put its mark on me. So, so, bad that just taking a picture of myself can bring out the fear of god in me. And let’s not forget how I will always have to wear baggy clothes because skin tight clothes make me feel like a whale. Oh yeah, I suffer from body dysmorphia1. My childhood scars will have to rip away some childhood memories with Cas, and thinking of that makes me mad! But I’m in recovery, which is all you can ask for a person in my position. So why at the age of 25, going on 26, made me decide to recover from childhood trauma and decide to break away from the thoughts and build up my self-esteem? (if you are waiting for some big surprise with confetti, you are reading the wrong blog mate)
Cas and Dines. Simple and easy. I want our life together to be as simple as apple pie, I want my son to take my hand and say “mum, it’s time for ice cream” and we will sit on the beach watching the waves come in. I want Dines and I to have a date night, where I don’t go up on the weight, like I’ve done every morning, and say “hey, let’s go out” instead of me staring at him saying “we can’t” – it isn’t fair on these two souls. So cheers for recovery and for fighting back, no matter how old you are.